What a great article someone posted to my single moms board today! I didn't include the whole thing and bolded the parts I found particularly "helpful"--no pun intended! Most bolding is theirs, not mine.
How to deal with Moralizing & Subtle Putdowns
Disguised as "Helpful Advice"
Disguised as "Helpful Advice"
Helping differs from Narcissistic Unhelpfuness. Narcissistic Unhelpfuness is based on a misperceived ego need of the self-appointed helper: the need to prove oneself, the need to be right, and the need to feel morally superior. On the receiving end, the help or advice seems disjointed, cloying, abrupt, out-of-place, suffocating, shaming or demeaning. The shaming can be subtle, leaving you feeling not quite good enough as opposed to feeling empowered.
Concurrent with the insecurity driving the need to prove oneself can be arrogance regarding the amount of knowledge/intelligence the helper possesses and defensiveness when challenged regarding facts and ideas. There is a need to always be right. The need to feel better than others is a narcissistic trait that tends to run rampant in hierarchical cultures. This includes the need to feel morally superior.
Set boundaries, as suggested below.
Some innocuous replies are:
"Thanks, but I am just not in the mood for fixing anything right now."
"I'm sure you mean well, but listening would be more helpful right now."
"Is that what you are working on right now?" (said inquisitively can effectively turn the tables.)
"I am truly glad that the program/therapy/religion is working for you." (Works when the "therapy speak" is thinly veiled criticism.)
"Thank you for thinking of me. I have my own program/strategy/spirituality that works for me."
Sometimes it's hard to tell whether someone is being clumsy or hurtful, but the above comments cover both bases.
EDITED TO ADD: I got a bunch of calls & emails from people thinking I was writing about them specifically. I wasn't. It's just something that a lot of people do, myself included, part of human nature I guess, and hard to be on the receiving end of it as well.
4 comments:
LMAO....Hmm....This definitely portrays (to a T!!) some board members (need I not mention names) from the b*tch board we used to post on. :o) It's quite unfortunate that some members still contiune to post there and get slammed & bashed repetitively. Definitely a sad state of affairs going on there....
GREAT ARTICLE!!! :-)
Wow, there are SEVERAL people on the net who should read this and FOLLOW IT! Unfortunately, the ones who NEED it are too dense to even realize that it IS meant for them, or could care LESS!!!
GREAT article. Well written and fine points mentioned!
Tee hee :)
I don't think that necessarily points to internet communications. What it's REALLY referring to is passive-aggressive communicators, people who cover what they REALLY want to say with barbed remarks, sarcasam, bad jokes, "I was ONLY kidding," fake advice, when they clearly were NOT subconsciously trying to really do that.
All of that smacks of passive-aggressive behavior, a learned form of communication where honest conversations about feelings were not allowed while the passive-aggressive was growing up.
It's a hurtful, passive, defence mechanism used to disguise real communication.
I like this part:
"There is a need to always be right. The need to feel better than others is a narcissistic trait that tends to run rampant in hierarchical cultures. This includes the need to feel morally superior." I can think of TWO people that applies to, Scott Beals and L.
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