When I first moved back here from the east coast, I’d been gone for 5 years and only had two friends in the area anymore from childhood, so I joined a local YA Catholic group and met some new people. Over the years it was a group of maybe 15 of us who got together on a regular basis. Some got married and I went to their weddings, people’s house parties, hosted a few gatherings myself, etc. This went on frequently for about 10 years.After I got pregnant though, that was the end of that. Sure, I could chalk it up to the fact that I had less in common with those people after I had kids, since ironically out of everyone in the group, including the 7 who got married, I’m the only one who has had children. (To be a by-the-book-Catholic, you’ve more or less got to either have no kids or 10 of them). But, out of all the baptismal invitations and announcements that I sent out to them, only one person (who’d been a friend since childhood and who I almost asked to be godmother of one of the boys) sent me a card. None of them came to the baptism.
Since then, I’ve seen the one childhood friend only 3 times though I know she drives past my house often to visit her parents. The last visit was a year and a half ago. She’s the only one I’m really disappointed in.
I sent out a flurry of Christmas cards this year in one last attempt and to see if I’d get any back from them, but nope! Not a one! This week I got a strange email from one person in the group who wrote that he had not heard from me in some time; just one sentence that sounded accusatory to me. So I wrote back that it was because he’d never bothered to respond, and left it at that. It’s like a weight off me because now I am DONE trying.
Ironically my parents friends have been much nicer; they’ve even surprised me with gifts for the kids and cards, all showed up at the baptism. It’s the same way at my parish, nearly all the women my age are cold toward me but the older ones are super sweet. I guess it’s less of a risk when it’s not peer-to-peer.
My kids mean so much to me that I would not trade them for anyone, so I really haven’t let it bother me too much.
5 comments:
OMG your post really hit home!!! Most of my friends vacated as well, as if I had some kind of contagious disease! When you have kids, you live in a whole new world! It's unfortunate that just because you have kids, your friends put you on the back burner or NOT AT ALL. Makes you wonder if they were truely your friends in the first place!? Very disappointing, but you can always make new friends!!! :-)
I complained once to my dad a few years back that it was near impossible being a 30-something and trying to find new girlfriends, or even guys, to hang out with. At the time, he explained to me that unlike your 20's, once you age and have gotten married or have kids, your friendships really change. He reminded me NOT to take it personally, that it's just because these people my age have priorities that I don't have, and priorities that throw them in together with other people with like-minded interests. I woudn't take it as snubs, either personally or morally.
Remember, "Attack of the Married Bay of Pigs" on Sex and the City? It hit the problem square on the head. "Marrieds" whether they have children or not, view other "singles" differently and often stop having things in common with them. It's an odd syndrome. Maybe I should blog about it.
Yes, I realize the concept of singles not mixing anymore with marrieds. But b/f I had the boys, I still hung out with the marrieds, it was only after having kids that they stopped. AND most of those people from the group ARE single. Some of the married ones have adopted. The childhood friend is single and was fostering a child near my boys' age, so I don't think it's just b/c my kids exist.
Probably it's just awkward for them my situation being what it is. As a SMC, you don't fit in with the marrieds anymore (especially infertile ones), nor with single people w/out children.
Try adding a different racial background into the mix (no pun intended) in uber-conservative NE! You know I can SO relate with your post! As a swf, I never really felt any cohesiveness with my married friends w/kids...after I had Zoie, I thought, "wow, some common ground!" and there is a little but now I don't have a husband to bitch about (and thank goodness for that!)...
By the way...the word I have to type in right now for verification is "coven"...is that a coincidence?!?! LOL
You should check out a meetup.com group to find local people in the area with commonalities. I joined one this week and have a playdate tomorrow to meet everyone. Seems like an easy way to meet people, there's a meetup out there for everyone in just about every interest.
Post a Comment