Feelings vs. Reason

Every time I hear someone say, “Love is a decision,” it makes me cringe.

The first time I heard that, was back when I was dating Joe, the Opus Dei guy, and we went to Smith & Wollensky. It was a beautiful evening. Strange what one remembers sometimes, but more than the food at this fancy place, I recall that Joe somehow got the tiniest drop of steak sauce on his white shirt, and an obsequious waiter came dashing over and wiped it out immediately.

Maybe it was the wine we were drinking, but suddenly Joe said, “We should think about engagement.”

“Why?” I said. “You don’t even have feelings for me, you don’t love me.”

“True,” he said, “but I have a physical attraction for you. And, love is a decision; I am making that decision.”

Lemme tell ya, my linen napkin nearly turned into a hankie, so moved was I by this outpouring of emotion! Sad thing is, I did have feelings for him at the time, and while he was probably merely disappointed when we parted not long after, it took me months to get over him. Ironically, he ended up crying on my shoulder, and said he was worried b/c there he was in his mid-30s and he’d never loved anyone and thought that he didn’t have the capacity, and that maybe he should choose an Asian bride since they are the most beautiful anyway. (By the bye, that ended up not panning out for him either.)

At the time I just felt sorry for him; I thought how empty it must be not to have the capacity to love anyone with feeling. This was nearly 13 years ago, though, and with the perspective of time, now instead of feeling sorry for him, partly I think he’s actually the more fortunate. Thinking of love as a decision only, at least there is not the risk of getting hurt, and there’s certainly something to be said for that!

If only one could decide who to love based on reason alone, imagine the possibilities. Myself, I can’t even decide rationally who to like, let alone who to love. I always end up trying to like people I dislike, and liking far too much people I shouldn’t. Basically I make most rational decisions based on feelings, not the other way around. Which, I concede, could be a rousing endorsement for doing the opposite.