Don’t Marry Him! (The Case for NOT Settling)

I was having lunch with a coworker on Monday and despite the fact we’ve worked together for months and been out to lunch several times, she asked, “So what does your husband do?”

Naturally I was taken aback, since I thought she knew that I don’t have one. Plus at this workplace, single parenthood is the norm—being married with a family is considered almost eccentric unless you’ve been through at least 2-3 spouses.

“Actually, I’m not married,” I said casually, trying to sound upbeat, since people are usually embarrassed once I say that.

“Oh! I thought you were.” Then, to my surprise, “You’re much better off!” Sadly, she went on to say that she and her husband of 14 years are considering a divorce right now, and with him leaving all the responsibilities of raising their kids to her, in addition to her full time job while he works part time, plus waiting on him hand and foot (he expects/demands that she do all the laundry, cooking and housework), and him having run their finances into the ground, she thinks I have it much easier than a married woman would.

Can’t say I disagree!! Single motherhood is a breeze compared to the way a lot of married women have it. Another thing she and I agreed on is that, if not statistically, of people we know, second marriages seem much happier than the first. This probably has more to do with age than anything, as I personally don’t see how anyone can make a lifetime commitment while they are in their early 20s. Second marriages tend to happen in mid-30s or even early 40s, by which time people are often better equipped to make a lifetime decision.

Here is a popularly discussed article, “Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough,” that has really ticked me off, not only for the content, but from the fact that the author is a single mother by choice. I mean, you would think this kind of drivel would be written by a right-wing woman with 10 kids who wears prairie dresses and darns her husband’s socks—not by an educated SMC!

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

What’s more disappointing is that I really admired her moxie when I read her previous piece about conceiving her son on her own. We were pregnant around the same time, and I’ve wondered how now, 3 years later, we have such differing views on being single moms. It can probably be summed up in her words: “Each time I read about single women having babies on their own and thriving instead of settling for Mr. Wrong and hiring a divorce lawyer, I felt all jazzed and ready to go. At the time, I truly believed, ‘I can have it all—a baby now, my soul mate later!’ Well … ha! Hahahaha. And ha.”

See, for me, I had no illusions about even rounding up a dinner date after becoming a single mom, let alone finding a “soulmate.” In fact, one of the biggest benefits of being a mom now is that I don’t have to date! God, I don’t miss those tedious dinner dates or going to Cath. Singles events. Oh, and now no one says, “I know a single guy you’d love to meet!” or “We need to hook you up,” because most people probably assume it’s a sensitive subject or that I’ve become embittered with men. It’s wonderful! Really takes the pressure off.

In short, most people believe that the reason I’m not married is because I have a low view of marriage. In fact, the problem, ladies and gentlemen, is that my view of marriage (for myself) is too high. That’s right! Because here are some things I would fully expect in my own marriage: we would be best friends, we would both have the attitude of serving the other person and giving above receiving, there would be a lot of affection and hand holding, the marriage would be the top priority and would last forever, we’d make love every night if possible, and there would be total trust.

“Well, no wonder you’re still single!” people laugh, on the rare occasions I state these views, “you’re not being realistic!” Yet when women talk about the importance of how much their future husband should earn, physical appearance, the carat weight of their diamond, and how they want to spend 30K on the wedding, that seems to make sense to people.

At any rate, I would rather be single than in some (or, most) of the marriages out there. So would the woman who wrote this article, if she would outright admit it. Because there is an ocean of difference between settling and compromise, and she fails to separate the two. Compromise is finding another home for your cat because your husband is allergic. Compromise is moving the moose heads from the living room wall into the den so your wife doesn’t freak out. Settling is marrying a guy who you have no feelings for just so you have someone to take out the trash and can create the illusion of a perfect family unit to the outside world.

So if you disagree with that article as much as I do, I am offering an alternate opinion (free of charge) here, to gauge whether you should marry someone. It’s titled, “Whether to Marry Him (Don’t Settle!).” The text: Let’s say you’re walking through a beautiful meadow and see a rainbow, deer frolicking in the distance, colorful flowers—and hell, why not!—cherubs playing harps while sitting on clouds—and you think, the only thing that could make you any happier in that moment is if So-and-So were right there at your side holding your hand, then you are a goner, my friend! And you should marry him immediately.