Don’t Marry Him! (The Case for NOT Settling)

I was having lunch with a coworker on Monday and despite the fact we’ve worked together for months and been out to lunch several times, she asked, “So what does your husband do?”

Naturally I was taken aback, since I thought she knew that I don’t have one. Plus at this workplace, single parenthood is the norm—being married with a family is considered almost eccentric unless you’ve been through at least 2-3 spouses.

“Actually, I’m not married,” I said casually, trying to sound upbeat, since people are usually embarrassed once I say that.

“Oh! I thought you were.” Then, to my surprise, “You’re much better off!” Sadly, she went on to say that she and her husband of 14 years are considering a divorce right now, and with him leaving all the responsibilities of raising their kids to her, in addition to her full time job while he works part time, plus waiting on him hand and foot (he expects/demands that she do all the laundry, cooking and housework), and him having run their finances into the ground, she thinks I have it much easier than a married woman would.

Can’t say I disagree!! Single motherhood is a breeze compared to the way a lot of married women have it. Another thing she and I agreed on is that, if not statistically, of people we know, second marriages seem much happier than the first. This probably has more to do with age than anything, as I personally don’t see how anyone can make a lifetime commitment while they are in their early 20s. Second marriages tend to happen in mid-30s or even early 40s, by which time people are often better equipped to make a lifetime decision.

Here is a popularly discussed article, “Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough,” that has really ticked me off, not only for the content, but from the fact that the author is a single mother by choice. I mean, you would think this kind of drivel would be written by a right-wing woman with 10 kids who wears prairie dresses and darns her husband’s socks—not by an educated SMC!

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

What’s more disappointing is that I really admired her moxie when I read her previous piece about conceiving her son on her own. We were pregnant around the same time, and I’ve wondered how now, 3 years later, we have such differing views on being single moms. It can probably be summed up in her words: “Each time I read about single women having babies on their own and thriving instead of settling for Mr. Wrong and hiring a divorce lawyer, I felt all jazzed and ready to go. At the time, I truly believed, ‘I can have it all—a baby now, my soul mate later!’ Well … ha! Hahahaha. And ha.”

See, for me, I had no illusions about even rounding up a dinner date after becoming a single mom, let alone finding a “soulmate.” In fact, one of the biggest benefits of being a mom now is that I don’t have to date! God, I don’t miss those tedious dinner dates or going to Cath. Singles events. Oh, and now no one says, “I know a single guy you’d love to meet!” or “We need to hook you up,” because most people probably assume it’s a sensitive subject or that I’ve become embittered with men. It’s wonderful! Really takes the pressure off.

In short, most people believe that the reason I’m not married is because I have a low view of marriage. In fact, the problem, ladies and gentlemen, is that my view of marriage (for myself) is too high. That’s right! Because here are some things I would fully expect in my own marriage: we would be best friends, we would both have the attitude of serving the other person and giving above receiving, there would be a lot of affection and hand holding, the marriage would be the top priority and would last forever, we’d make love every night if possible, and there would be total trust.

“Well, no wonder you’re still single!” people laugh, on the rare occasions I state these views, “you’re not being realistic!” Yet when women talk about the importance of how much their future husband should earn, physical appearance, the carat weight of their diamond, and how they want to spend 30K on the wedding, that seems to make sense to people.

At any rate, I would rather be single than in some (or, most) of the marriages out there. So would the woman who wrote this article, if she would outright admit it. Because there is an ocean of difference between settling and compromise, and she fails to separate the two. Compromise is finding another home for your cat because your husband is allergic. Compromise is moving the moose heads from the living room wall into the den so your wife doesn’t freak out. Settling is marrying a guy who you have no feelings for just so you have someone to take out the trash and can create the illusion of a perfect family unit to the outside world.

So if you disagree with that article as much as I do, I am offering an alternate opinion (free of charge) here, to gauge whether you should marry someone. It’s titled, “Whether to Marry Him (Don’t Settle!).” The text: Let’s say you’re walking through a beautiful meadow and see a rainbow, deer frolicking in the distance, colorful flowers—and hell, why not!—cherubs playing harps while sitting on clouds—and you think, the only thing that could make you any happier in that moment is if So-and-So were right there at your side holding your hand, then you are a goner, my friend! And you should marry him immediately.

Getting Out of the House

The key to making the long mornings on the weekends not seem so long, is to get the boys out of the house. Since they graduated from their mornings naps a few months ago, it's been tough to get through the hours from 7:30am to 1:30pm when they go down for their afternoon naps, unless I take them somewhere.

Last weekend we tried the local parks, but the equipment was old and unsafe. So, this Saturday we traveled to another town several miles away to find a nice park for them to play. Then on Sunday, Heather came to the rescue and we went to her house to swim.

Lk and I at Heather's after our swim...

Hello!
Grandma gives Lk a hug!

Lm and his spin toy...

Lm really loves to get himself drenched in the Backyardigans water toy. He marches up to it, steps on it to make the water spray up, covers his face, and then does it again. In this heat, they love this game!

Here's Lk standing in the circle where the pool used to be. We only used it a couple of times before I let it go and had to drain it. Next time: chlorine. I've retired it to the shed until next summer.

Saturday at the park. At first we were the only ones there, then a car pulled up. My boys are very social, and as soon as they saw a little girl emerge from the back seat, they ran right up to her and said "Hi!" and wanted to play.

Despite his feats of derring-do at home, which include flips off the couch, climbing on bookcases, and diving off furniture, Lk is not so sure he wants to try this slide by himself, thankfully!

He wasn't so sure about the horse...

They loved the fire truck!

This really was a cool park. If only it was not 25 miles out of our way...

With our pool being down, hence, I invited us over to Heather's. She's got a deluxe pool. I only brought Lk with me, though, as handling both of my guys at once is a little much in the water. For their birthday, they got this floatable water car with a horn from Grandma and Grandpa. He loved it! He and Zoie played bumper cars.

Shameless Plug for YM**OYL

Right now I’m reading, for the umpteenth time, Your Mo*ney or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin, just for inspiration. This is about the best book anyone could ever read, and I’m a die-hard fiction fan who loathes books on finance and business.

Its title is based on the saying that, if someone pulls a gun on you and asks which you’ll give up, your money or your life, you’re going to hand over your wallet because your life is far more important. And yet, every day most of us are giving up our lives in the pursuit of money. As the book says, “We are sacrificing our lives for money - but it's happening so slowly that we barely notice.”

What separates this book from others is that is has a “whole life” approach to your relationship with money, rather than just the ho-hum practical steps to build wealth that are offered by gurus like Dave R*am/sey. (Which isn’t to knock DR—probably I would agree with 90% of what he says if I read his books in total.) Meaning, it offers hope and a different way of thinking for anyone who questions society’s obsession with the 8 to 5 till you’re 65. It’s called “FI thinking”; FI stands for Financial Integrity, Financial Intelligence, and Financial Independence. Most books just talk about achieving the last of these three.

When I was 25, I bought a house by myself with 20% down, so already I was in step with FI thinking, but in 2001 is when I actually started putting it into practice. Before that, I made some dumb purchases (a car with leather seats and a sunroof is one example) and realized that what is truly important is time, not material things. I always knew that, of course, but really putting it into practice in my life did not happen until then.

Fortunately I had this epiphany before the age of 30. The book put into words what I already believed, but it only convinced me further that I was on the right track and I was also inspired by the “whole life” approach to money, which is that the way we handle money should be in line with our values and life purpose.


If you’re read this far, you’ll definitely want to read this brief but poignant article. It’s piss-your-pants hilarious, I promise you!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27698

Mr. Sunshine...and lots of rain

When it rains, it pours, or in our case, if there’s a breeze, it’s a tornado. Last night I got a call and found out that my daycare lady is in the hospital with heart problems (possibly congestive heart failure!). She’s only one year older than me and is otherwise in perfect health, or was. She’s an active person, slim, young—so this comes as a major shock. I’ve known her since grade school, we were in the same class until 7th grade. She has four kids and this is devastating to her family. I just feel so badly for her.

The other problem of course, is I depend so much on her for L&L. Even as early as my first trimester, I went to every daycare within a 30 mile radius, and found no place that I would feel comfortable sending them. I even had Mom go with me to check out a few places while the boys were in NICU, and she was as horrified as I was. The situation was so dire, that when my daycare lady told me she only had one slot available, I said I would take it and my mom would watch the other baby until she had another opening. Her daycare area is beautiful, plus I totally trust her.

Well, she ended up fitting both my boys in, and they’ve been there ever since. I’ve been extremely grateful. Obviously with a home daycare, you run into a scheduling snag now and then, which has eaten up a few of my days off, but it’s all been worth it, for the peace of mind. They are so attached to the place, too. It’s especially hard for Lk to adjust to new environments. Ultimately, we just hope she will be alright and can be treated.

Originally I made this picture at the top as I wanted to write about how cheerful Lk is in the morning. He’s usually the first one to wake, and he’s so happy when he does—I’ve never known anyone to be this eager to start the day. “Hi!” I’ll hear from his room while I’m laying in bed. “Fun! Oh, boy! Hi! Yay!” Then he’ll break into song, usually Twinke Twinkle Little Star, and I’ll put my pillow over my head for a couple of minutes; finally I have to just giggle at his joy. I mean, how is this possible at the crack of dawn?? Lm is appropriately cranky, and he wakes up crying for his breakfast, though he’s cheerful the rest of the day. I just shake my head at Lk, though. I hope he is always like that!

Town Parade & Water Fun

This weekend was our town's parade and fireworks celebration. They have it a week after July 4 so that more people can be there. My dad wore his Legion hat and had to serve hot dogs at the booth, so he wasn't able to sit with us at the parade.

We sat with one of my best friends from childhood, Mary, who came up from Wichita with her girls for a few days so they could visit her dad. My mom's best friend was Ed's wife, who died in 2005. Her girls are really growing up, they look like models. My boys had a fun time teasing them at the parade.

My little guys were so eager to see the floats going by. Lk got hit in the head with a lollipop, but otherwise no catastrophes. They got a sackful of candy!

This is Mary and I. She has been out sunning and I've been in the shade all summer, as you can see!

L&L kept trying to get the attention of the girls, they would "tag" them if they felt they were not getting enough attention.

Lk bonded with Chelsea and Lm with Darcy...

A clown came up and said hi to the kids.

Lk kept saying "Hi!" and waving to every car that went by. Some of the now "classic" cars that were in the parade were from the late 70s. Made me feel old, since I can remember riding in those when I was little.

Here was a clown with a walker. That was a new one!

On Sunday, their great aunt, Marylee and uncle Darrell gave them their birthday present. It's a Backyardigans water hopscotch game. You just attach a garden hose to it and turn it on at any speed and it's like a sprinkler.

The boys were hesitant at first, as they cautiously approached it.

Lm put his hand on it to see what would happen.

It took awhile for them to warm up to it, then they kept hitting the water with their hands.

Lm got thoroughly soaked.

I brought them in then for their naps. I live for 1:30 on the weekends. Well, Lm would not nap!! He's able to crawl out of his bed now and open doors and roam around. He sees no need for a nap. Trouble is, I DO need one, and I got cheated out of it. Could it be possible that he is already graduated from his daytime naps?? I brought myself to tears over the possibility yesterday. I tried everything under the sun to bribe him into it. I left him in there, on and off, for an hour, trying to soothe him down to sleep. I even called my sister the way you would a 911 operator when your house is ablaze, but she was on vacation.

Over the past week he's been giving me a hard time about going down for his nap AND bedtime. Could he be one of those who just doesn't need much sleep? Because when I let him out of his room after the failed nap, he was still pumped up with energy and raring to go (though I was half-dead) and still last night he cried when I set him down.

If this continues, I am SOL.